Finding Faith
As the medal bars closed and locked behind me I freeze, not knowing what to do next. I stand til my legs grow limb, I then tumble to the floor not caring who sees. The emotions flood to the outermost point of my eyes. My body feels every bit of pain possible. With each tear drop my eyes strain the pain that comes along with my sadness and anger. The pain demands attention, while the sadness buries everything in a sea of exhaustion.
“Wake up, Charles” a voice calls out from above. I jump up, ashamed of my vulnerability. In a state of shock my vision blurs, still I am able to make out my brothers face. I run into his arms, being the big brother he is he holds me tight and joins me in crying.
“It can be true; he can’t be dead” I mumble into his coat.
“It's true kid” he answers back.
“You're free to go” the officer states as he closes the gate behind me.
“Let's go-ahead Vern suggests.
Outside the cold November winds of Chicago blow against my wet face. I stumble getting into the car, and sit on the old ripped seat of the car, it was a gift from our father to Vern.
“Why’d you do it?” he asks.
“I don't know, I just panicked” I answered, having a flashback of the last few hours that had got me behind bars. It was Mid Afternoon and I was happy. Excited in fact, anticipating the arrival of Vern, I cleaned the house and made the place smell good. The phone rang, it was mom. I picked it up.
“Charles, It's your Father.”
“Dad? What happened?”
“He’s overdosed. He’s gone Charles!” she says trying to keep a steady voice. I dropped the phone,
Without stopping to think I put my stumble to the front door, put on my shoes and make my way downstairs. I just had to get out of the house.
” Hey Charles” a voice reached out from across the hall. It was Sam. I walk over to him, there are a couple other guys standing with him.
“Hey, we’re about to go hit a store, you want to join?”
Confusion clutters in the back of my head, i'm convinced that my mother was simply slaying a trick on me.
“Sure, why not?” I responded not knowing what I was getting myself into. We headed downstairs to the parking lot of the apartment building, got into the car and headed to the store. It was a long drive, I just assumed the store was far. We pulled up to The Lounge,
“What are we doing here!” I ask
“This is the place we were talking about” one of the other guys said. Sam brings up a black bag from the floor of the front seat.
“Make sure you completely cover your face”
” he demands. He proceeds to pull out five guns. And throws one of them onto my lap. I had never saw one up close. He passes the rest out. “What about yours?” the guy to my left asks. “I don’t need one I’m staying behind, I’ll be here waiting, as long as you hurry.”
“What?” I stammered still confused. “I can't do this, I thought you said store!”
“This is a store and you have to do this Charles, that is unless you're scared. Of course you're scared, you're just like your old man! By the way, I heard about what happened, pretty pathetic if I may say!”
“It's not true, it didn't happen.
“Prove it, prove you’re not scared” I put on my mask and grab the gun,
“Let's do this” I chant. The others followed as I got out and slammed the door behind me.
We run to the front entrance and paused to look at each other. I held the door as the others ran in. Inside there was a single chandelier that hung from the ceiling. I heard a big sound as one of the others shot at it. Everyone began to scream and yell.
“On the ground! Someone yelled. The other three made their way over the check out where the register was. I remained there, frozen and stiff.
“Charles, watch out!” I turn swinging the gun, the man that was once behind me falls to the floor.
“No, John” a woman's voice cries.
“Just finish him!” The man forcing the hostages to the ground growls. I fall to the floor alongside the man dropping the gun. The man lays there limp, his head bleeding.
“I can't do this” I exclaim to the room of people. I take off my mask and throw it to the ground and sprint towards the exit.
“I can't let you do that kid”, a voice says. I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn. A blast of pain shocks through my face, and my body grows weak.
Coming out of my flashback I look over, Vern just sits next me, I can see his sympathy.
“The next thing I knew I woke up handcuffed in the back of a police car.” He reaches over, squeezes my shoulder, and says,
"It'll be alright". He drives us home where mom and Mrs. Johnson from next door sit on the couch.
“Oh Charlie” she rises and hugs me.
That night I don't sleep, I can’t I, can’t lie down, I cannot think nor find comfort. From that point on Vern became the best thing in life. Unfortunately, life itself failed to be anything that I would ever consider to be a blessing. We weren't all that close, me and my dad. He’d disappear every once and awhile for about a week or two, and when he was around we would never talk. I was always happy he'd come home with snacks and candy from the party store on the corner. Mom would get real sad and sometimes even cry. I'm not the only 18 year-old without a father, or at least that's what Vern tells me.
There's a hole, an empty hole. I feel it with the company and happiness of others, I can't seem to dig deep enough to find my own. I don't have too many friends these days, everyone has heard what happened at The Lounge that night. My mother has made her piece with everything, she's happy and I'm happy for her. Although, she's always trying to get me to come with her, to some church. She says it's like a community. I hear her on the phone laughing, talking, she’s even went out to lunch with some of the woman that she's met there. Its Sunday morning.
“You should come along with me” She suggests.
“Vern's not here, you're just going to be up in the house all morning anyways. At this point I wish Vern was Here, if so i'd have an excuse.
“I don't want to come” I respond.
“You might of found the thing that makes you happy but that doesn't mean that it's going to solve my problems.”
“Don't knock what you haven't tried Charlie, just give it a chance” she insists.
“I'm not going!” I yell. She stares at me surprised.
“Well I’m not letting you stay here all day, so you have to.” I've already yelled, so not wanting to further ruin her Sunday morning I head to the bathroom to get ready. The car ride is silent, awkward even. I don't say anything, because I know there's nothing I can say. I always got into the worst kinds of trouble when getting an attitude and, or talking back to my mother
Walking into the church I notice the large amount of hospitality shown. A lady standing alongside the entrance presents herself as Brigitte. Her getup personality spreads a smile across my face. Turning around I realize my mother's saw the way I smiled. Not wanting to start the conversation of whether I was happy I came. We choose a seat toward the middle of the sanctuary. I sit through the devotion part of the service not wanting to take part in the kumbaya sing along. Although, my mother stands and sways back and forth singing along this the choir. The bishop walked onto the stage.
“Now, all that can, please rise” he asks. My mother looks back at me, I don’t stand. She turns back around as she raises her hands, the Bishop proceeds to undergo prayer. The prayer ends with a big Amen and everyone resumes back to their seats.
He begins to preach.
" what i'm saying is for the people with broken hearts. I want you'll to know that every attack of sadness and every bit of negativity was worth it. Because it drove you here, today for such a time as this. Death, loneliness and despair are the things that attach to us in everyday life. They hitch a ride and we then carry them on our shoulders. That is, until we fall, and even then we lie there pinned to the ground with them.” I lift my head up feeling all eyes on me. For the next half an hour or so I’m intrigued in the sermon. As much as it took my mother to get me here, I regret how stubborn I was.
“Well here’s your helping hand, here is what you need to shake off the shackles of pain.”
“Knows the time young man”, the bishop announces from the podium as he meets my eyes. “Your mother's been worrying about you; she doesn't like to see you hurt.” My mother starts to murmur something. She's crying, I stand, I didn't mean to, but I wanted to, and even more, I needed to. One foot in front of the other, I began to walk up the aisle. A man meets me up there, he places his hand on my forehead. I feel a hand on my back.
“Raise your hands and just begin to think of the good things he's done. The people he's blessed you with, the time that he's allowed you on this earth.”
I begin to clear my mind of the hurt and anger I’ve held so close for so long.
The wall of foundation which holds the belief of my existence tumbles as I do, strait to the ground. My fears have no choice but to part company as I embrace the warmth that the alter grants me. Here on my knees I find piece, broken becomes fixed as old becomes new. A shiver stretches over me like fire in my bones. I stretch my arms. I look up to the sky which my help cometh from. I yell at the top of my lungs, not caring who hears. The emotions flood to the outermost point of my eyes. Taking a deep breath, I realize it's the first I’ve had in awhile. Here On my knees I’m happy. I’m giving all that I am to all that has the ability to release me. I stand to my feet, beside me is my mother. I continue to break down in tears while embraced into my mother's arms, not ashamed. I hold her as tight as she does me. I feel happy, I feel reborn.
As the medal bars closed and locked behind me I freeze, not knowing what to do next. I stand til my legs grow limb, I then tumble to the floor not caring who sees. The emotions flood to the outermost point of my eyes. My body feels every bit of pain possible. With each tear drop my eyes strain the pain that comes along with my sadness and anger. The pain demands attention, while the sadness buries everything in a sea of exhaustion.
“Wake up, Charles” a voice calls out from above. I jump up, ashamed of my vulnerability. In a state of shock my vision blurs, still I am able to make out my brothers face. I run into his arms, being the big brother he is he holds me tight and joins me in crying.
“It can be true; he can’t be dead” I mumble into his coat.
“It's true kid” he answers back.
“You're free to go” the officer states as he closes the gate behind me.
“Let's go-ahead Vern suggests.
Outside the cold November winds of Chicago blow against my wet face. I stumble getting into the car, and sit on the old ripped seat of the car, it was a gift from our father to Vern.
“Why’d you do it?” he asks.
“I don't know, I just panicked” I answered, having a flashback of the last few hours that had got me behind bars. It was Mid Afternoon and I was happy. Excited in fact, anticipating the arrival of Vern, I cleaned the house and made the place smell good. The phone rang, it was mom. I picked it up.
“Charles, It's your Father.”
“Dad? What happened?”
“He’s overdosed. He’s gone Charles!” she says trying to keep a steady voice. I dropped the phone,
Without stopping to think I put my stumble to the front door, put on my shoes and make my way downstairs. I just had to get out of the house.
” Hey Charles” a voice reached out from across the hall. It was Sam. I walk over to him, there are a couple other guys standing with him.
“Hey, we’re about to go hit a store, you want to join?”
Confusion clutters in the back of my head, i'm convinced that my mother was simply slaying a trick on me.
“Sure, why not?” I responded not knowing what I was getting myself into. We headed downstairs to the parking lot of the apartment building, got into the car and headed to the store. It was a long drive, I just assumed the store was far. We pulled up to The Lounge,
“What are we doing here!” I ask
“This is the place we were talking about” one of the other guys said. Sam brings up a black bag from the floor of the front seat.
“Make sure you completely cover your face”
” he demands. He proceeds to pull out five guns. And throws one of them onto my lap. I had never saw one up close. He passes the rest out. “What about yours?” the guy to my left asks. “I don’t need one I’m staying behind, I’ll be here waiting, as long as you hurry.”
“What?” I stammered still confused. “I can't do this, I thought you said store!”
“This is a store and you have to do this Charles, that is unless you're scared. Of course you're scared, you're just like your old man! By the way, I heard about what happened, pretty pathetic if I may say!”
“It's not true, it didn't happen.
“Prove it, prove you’re not scared” I put on my mask and grab the gun,
“Let's do this” I chant. The others followed as I got out and slammed the door behind me.
We run to the front entrance and paused to look at each other. I held the door as the others ran in. Inside there was a single chandelier that hung from the ceiling. I heard a big sound as one of the others shot at it. Everyone began to scream and yell.
“On the ground! Someone yelled. The other three made their way over the check out where the register was. I remained there, frozen and stiff.
“Charles, watch out!” I turn swinging the gun, the man that was once behind me falls to the floor.
“No, John” a woman's voice cries.
“Just finish him!” The man forcing the hostages to the ground growls. I fall to the floor alongside the man dropping the gun. The man lays there limp, his head bleeding.
“I can't do this” I exclaim to the room of people. I take off my mask and throw it to the ground and sprint towards the exit.
“I can't let you do that kid”, a voice says. I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn. A blast of pain shocks through my face, and my body grows weak.
Coming out of my flashback I look over, Vern just sits next me, I can see his sympathy.
“The next thing I knew I woke up handcuffed in the back of a police car.” He reaches over, squeezes my shoulder, and says,
"It'll be alright". He drives us home where mom and Mrs. Johnson from next door sit on the couch.
“Oh Charlie” she rises and hugs me.
That night I don't sleep, I can’t I, can’t lie down, I cannot think nor find comfort. From that point on Vern became the best thing in life. Unfortunately, life itself failed to be anything that I would ever consider to be a blessing. We weren't all that close, me and my dad. He’d disappear every once and awhile for about a week or two, and when he was around we would never talk. I was always happy he'd come home with snacks and candy from the party store on the corner. Mom would get real sad and sometimes even cry. I'm not the only 18 year-old without a father, or at least that's what Vern tells me.
There's a hole, an empty hole. I feel it with the company and happiness of others, I can't seem to dig deep enough to find my own. I don't have too many friends these days, everyone has heard what happened at The Lounge that night. My mother has made her piece with everything, she's happy and I'm happy for her. Although, she's always trying to get me to come with her, to some church. She says it's like a community. I hear her on the phone laughing, talking, she’s even went out to lunch with some of the woman that she's met there. Its Sunday morning.
“You should come along with me” She suggests.
“Vern's not here, you're just going to be up in the house all morning anyways. At this point I wish Vern was Here, if so i'd have an excuse.
“I don't want to come” I respond.
“You might of found the thing that makes you happy but that doesn't mean that it's going to solve my problems.”
“Don't knock what you haven't tried Charlie, just give it a chance” she insists.
“I'm not going!” I yell. She stares at me surprised.
“Well I’m not letting you stay here all day, so you have to.” I've already yelled, so not wanting to further ruin her Sunday morning I head to the bathroom to get ready. The car ride is silent, awkward even. I don't say anything, because I know there's nothing I can say. I always got into the worst kinds of trouble when getting an attitude and, or talking back to my mother
Walking into the church I notice the large amount of hospitality shown. A lady standing alongside the entrance presents herself as Brigitte. Her getup personality spreads a smile across my face. Turning around I realize my mother's saw the way I smiled. Not wanting to start the conversation of whether I was happy I came. We choose a seat toward the middle of the sanctuary. I sit through the devotion part of the service not wanting to take part in the kumbaya sing along. Although, my mother stands and sways back and forth singing along this the choir. The bishop walked onto the stage.
“Now, all that can, please rise” he asks. My mother looks back at me, I don’t stand. She turns back around as she raises her hands, the Bishop proceeds to undergo prayer. The prayer ends with a big Amen and everyone resumes back to their seats.
He begins to preach.
" what i'm saying is for the people with broken hearts. I want you'll to know that every attack of sadness and every bit of negativity was worth it. Because it drove you here, today for such a time as this. Death, loneliness and despair are the things that attach to us in everyday life. They hitch a ride and we then carry them on our shoulders. That is, until we fall, and even then we lie there pinned to the ground with them.” I lift my head up feeling all eyes on me. For the next half an hour or so I’m intrigued in the sermon. As much as it took my mother to get me here, I regret how stubborn I was.
“Well here’s your helping hand, here is what you need to shake off the shackles of pain.”
“Knows the time young man”, the bishop announces from the podium as he meets my eyes. “Your mother's been worrying about you; she doesn't like to see you hurt.” My mother starts to murmur something. She's crying, I stand, I didn't mean to, but I wanted to, and even more, I needed to. One foot in front of the other, I began to walk up the aisle. A man meets me up there, he places his hand on my forehead. I feel a hand on my back.
“Raise your hands and just begin to think of the good things he's done. The people he's blessed you with, the time that he's allowed you on this earth.”
I begin to clear my mind of the hurt and anger I’ve held so close for so long.
The wall of foundation which holds the belief of my existence tumbles as I do, strait to the ground. My fears have no choice but to part company as I embrace the warmth that the alter grants me. Here on my knees I find piece, broken becomes fixed as old becomes new. A shiver stretches over me like fire in my bones. I stretch my arms. I look up to the sky which my help cometh from. I yell at the top of my lungs, not caring who hears. The emotions flood to the outermost point of my eyes. Taking a deep breath, I realize it's the first I’ve had in awhile. Here On my knees I’m happy. I’m giving all that I am to all that has the ability to release me. I stand to my feet, beside me is my mother. I continue to break down in tears while embraced into my mother's arms, not ashamed. I hold her as tight as she does me. I feel happy, I feel reborn.